How's my morning going you ask?

 I just got a second bowl and spoon out for my cereal instead of a tea bag... but I'm wearing my dragon onesie, so I am ready to accomplish amazing things today!

Adventures in healthcare

So I finally got set up so I can set an appointment to get my healthcare checkups and had to go through the standard questions.  Some of these I routinely struggle with on paper, but of course it was more comical trying to answer them out loud with an audience.

Assistant: Marital Status?

Me: Uh... What are the options?

Her: Married, Single, Divorced... *I glazed over* for some other options that definitely didn't apply...

Me: Siiiingle?

The other assistant laughed and said "You don't sound too sure about that!". I retorted that it was process of elimination and that answer was the closest ;)

Her: Race?

Me: White.

Surprised she looked up quickly, and I conceded... Well I'm not Black, I'm not Hispanic, I'm not Latino or any of the other minority groups, and it's probably under Caucasian... *restraining an eyeroll*

Unfortunately I forgot my friend's awesomest answer to this question: "Race? I am part of the HUMAN Race"

Her: Ethnicity?

Me: *looking truly confused* Canadian?

*laughter erupted and ensued*

Come on, how is that even a valid question anymore?!?! Seriously, I'm part British, Czech, and who knows what else coming out of the middle European countries that are all super close together and invaded each other frequently... and most of the people I know are of unknown mixed ethnicity for similar reasons. 

Even when you think you know, there's that person in the family that traces the tree back and goes "Hey did you guys know, we're part Scandinavian? Apparently four generations ago this guy got stranded when he was hired to invade and they couldn't pay the raiding party, so a bunch of them settled down and took local wives"

Hopefully with the advances that are being made in healthcare they'll figure out a better way to group people together rather than relying what we think we are.

Breaking news

If there was every any doubt as to whether or not I have everything under control, this should confirm things once and for all...

I am the disruption.

Sitting in the corner cubical with the atomic hiccups, that can probably be heard by everyone on the floor, and felt by everyone in the building.

Don't worry though, I have successfully mitigated the situation by holding my breath and drinking a large volume of water.

Why this works, I have no idea... but there are some things you just shouldn't question.

Just let them work.

Lesson with my 3rd grade trumpet student today...

Me: This next song is a duet.  What's a duet?

Student: It's when two people doooo it

Knowing what I do now... *grins*

Granny: "There are things I never told my parents..."

Me: "Really?!?"

Granny: "Oh sure, and I know there are things my children have never told me, and you know what... there are things as a parent that I just never need to know..."

Me: "Thank you Granny, that's really good to know" *impish smile*

Us +5 Fissies +5... I think this calls for a rematch!

I'm so glad that good company is like the heavy-weight champion when it comes to taking on and anihilating the puny and insignificant details of my day... sending them crying to their Mommies with a sternly spanked bottom.

It was absolutely gorgeous out, spring has finally arrived and the cabin fever everyone had been experiencing was now being shared in the confines of an aluminum boat... I suppose it's a successful day though, when everyone caught something... and nobody was helped out of the boat *before* we got to shore ;)

Get in mah bellyyyy!

I'm gonna getcha little fissy! I'm gonna eatcha little fissy! *grins* I think this is the beginnings of a be-a-utiful supper :)

While we in for a pee break I totally scooped the comfy captains chair, and by default was captaining for the remainder of the evening. Which I thought was pretty cool :) ... and pretty easy meandering around in the middle of the lake... this really being my first time driving this boat and all, you see usually I fish, help eat the chippys, and maybe have a beer or two...

We had just kicked 'er up a notch to compensate for the wind picking up to head home after Michelle finally broke her two year dry spell... and then we couldn't keep them off her line! I think the funniest one, was mid-story she's leaning back and holding her rod up and Ed says "Hey Shell, I uh think you got one" and she says "I know! But I had to finish my story!!"

Awww look he's just a widdle hotdog fissy!

Those *were* the funny moments of the day... until we actually got back to the boat launch. Because it was much the same as with flying, it isn't the flying that's the hard part... it's landing. So I'm cruising in, and of course as with any good sport there are spectators spectating from the comfort of their van... and the peanut gallery up front.

We're almost in and up front hollers "log!" So there I am executing evasive maneuvers off into the rushes, with the motor balancing unhinged and ready to kick up... you see the thing is, it's too shallow to just cruise right in... and it would be faaaar to easy to paddle the last little bit. I would also like to point out that as soon as you change the axis of the propeller EVERYTHING changes, left and right are no longer what they used to be!

Suddenly it's as if we've been transported into an electrical gyroscope with a bug in its internal gravity sensor... suddenly we're in reverse at full throttle... The peanut gallery has collapsed in on itself in a helpless pile of giggles, Eddie's screaming "AHHHHHHHHH" and laughing almost as hard as the peanut gallery.

I calmly assessed the situation, kept twisting and pushing things until I could finally give the order to the mutinous engine to abort, and head for deeper waters... to... regroup, and try again.

The second attempt was far less entertaining, until Michelle's feet hit the water and she had to pee again *grins*

Investing in the ta-tas

I am still recovering from bra shopping.I've never been in and out of a bra that many times in a single day, let alone multiple different ones. Ever. I mean I must have tried on more bras than the entire cast of a Burlesque show!

My Friend: Did you find what you were looking for?

me:  Yep. I have a new bra.

My Friend:  just one?

me:  it's an investment.

I mean really, I thought $40 was a lot to pay for a bra... but HOLY CRAP good bras are expensive!!!  

Okay, but really, looking great because you're feeling great *and* being comfortable? Well, that's priceless ;)

It was also pointed out however, that while they may cost a lot, they have a big job to do! Turns out what I thought was a double D (like my coffee)... isn't, it's in fact an e... an E for fricken enormous? Who came up with this scale?!?

One of the guys I worked with at the University once, was dared to go ask a dancer if her boobs were real. Being on the opposite end of the spectrum from most male Computer Scientists, he did. I have never forgotten her response.

She placed his hand on her boob and said "Yeah they're real, real expensive" ;)

Is it nice where you are?

A girl I know was just telling me, that as her grandmother was getting older she started to forget things... and as the story goes, she'd just had a biopsy done and called to get the results... saying:

"Hi this is ___, and I'm calling to get the results of my autopsy?"

There was a pause on the line... and they managed to get her all sorted out, during which I'm sure that the receptionist must have employed every ounce of self-discipline to not giggle, even a little bit.

It's all about context

Dear G-John,

Today your Aunt called me at work to relate the sordid tale of what happened the other day when you were at school. I guess you were telling your friends about the ant that crawled up your leg and bit your penis.  As if that wasn't bad enough, unfortunately the story doesn't end there...

The school called your house, your Mom was working till 4... So you got a thousand and one questions from your non-biological-Dad who they were unwilling to discuss the days events with. When they finally connected and related what the hall monitor overheard to your Mom, she was luckily able to provide that vital piece of clarification, namely that it was "an ant" that bit your penis and most certainly *not* "your Auntie" ...I'm not going to lie, we laughed until we cried.

I know you are completely mortified by it right now and can't look either of your Aunties in the eye... but don't worry, we will be sure to remind you about it years from now. Possibly when you get married. Hopefully you will be able to find it as funny then as we do now.

Autopilot: Command not recognized...

When Mom was up visiting she totally threw my autopilot for a loop one morning when she got up with me before work... It was a pleasant surprised, but my morning autopilot is not calibrated for social interaction.

Picture this: I'm doing the fireman (running around the house and getting dressed in less than 5 minutes) while trying my very best to dredge up the proper response to "It looks like it's going to be a nice day out."  Normal people don't have a problem with this, in fact I've seen Mom talk on the phone, make lunch, and keep a kid on schedule to get them out the door. Me, I experience an array index out of bound exception, that has to be caught, re-initialized and tried again.

Needless to say I got all the way to work before I realized I'd forgotten my keys at home *sigh* the rest of the day turned was fantastic though.

Little kid anatomy

When my middle brother was little, we'd always ask him if he had to pee before we left to go anywhere... and he'd always say no.

If you'd asked me then I would have sworn his bladder was in his feet. Every time he laced up his shoes there'd be an almost audible *boik* as his thought bubble popped... and he had to pee. Right. Now.

Stabalize this image

This morning a very serious coffee break conversation about binocular optics and how incredible the Canon image stabilization was on boats...  elicited the comment "Yeah they're also great for bird watcher's with Parkinson's"

I of course, pictured an old man attempting to be a peeping-tom from his nursing home.

I very nearly snorted tea out of my nose

This happened to someone I know...

A friend of mine had a loaner car while his was in the shop, and he told us over lunch that it was lower than the base model...

How could it be lower than the base model you ask? Well, he classified it as such because it's got a faux rear wiper. It's mounted,and the tubes are all there, they just aren't connected to anything!

Isn't that about the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard? I mean really, who does that?!?! It's like when they were buying it they said "Hey, we don't *really* need ALL of these buttons and dials do you? So um, can we get like $50 off if we don't get the rear wiper option?"

We might have a situation...

Me: Nope you can't eat those, they're emergency chocolate bars...
Mom: I could have an emergency any second now!
Sent... While in transit ;)

Quicker than you

Oh man I can't believe I totally forgot to tell you about this, I mean I know I was tired and all... but seriously!

I know this seems a little off track, but it will help clarify, or maybe even shed some light on the rest of this crazy post. Or maybe not *shrugs*, you decide.

Q: How do you tell the difference between black bear droppings and grizzly bear droppings?
A: Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them, and smell like pepper spray.

So, last night as I'm pushing my bike up the hill along the flat bit just before my place, these two teenage boys ride by... the one does a dirt jump off the bank next to me and the other slams on his brakes, skids to a stop beside me, and I kid you not says:

"Duuuuuuuuuude! Sweeeeeeet bike!" he then proceeded to point and go "Wow that's crazy! Is that your rear shock?!"

Me: I experienced a proximity loss of minus 50 IQ points, and was all "Uhhm no... that's my bear spray"...

*Then* he says to me... "So uhhhh, what is it?... Your gearshift injector? Does it make you go faster?!?"

I should have said: "Yeah it makes you go faster, as long as you don't get it in your eyes... and as long as you're faster than the bear that'll be chasing you now that you're all covered in seasoning" ;)

Thankfully I was rescued from answering as his buddy came back, jumped the bank in the opposite direction and promptly took out the neighbors garbage can.  They were gone with a wave and a "gotta go!"... faster than that 5 extra minutes after you hit the snooze button.

This is the joke behind the title...

There are two guys out in the back 40 on an acreage deep in the interior of BC, and they hear a hungry grizzly bear. The one guy sits down and starts lacing up his running shoes. The other guy says "Dude, what are you doing?! You think you can outrun a grizzly bear? Ha!" To which he replies, I don't have to outrun a grizzly bear...

I just have to outrun you.

Heh. *grins*

Moooore fishin'

I worked all day last Saturday, I know, I know, I'm the first person to remind people not to work too much, but I took Monday off to chuck myself down a mountain *wrinkles forehead* which reminds me I have a couple pics from that... Anyways where was I? Right, fishing. Well Sunday, I got up at are-you-kidding-me-I-barely-get-up-this-early-for-work and we went fishing. Now, if we didn't try every different colour, shape, size and pattern of lure that Ed had... then Sam-I-Am-Not. Which I am. Either the fish finder was full of it, or those fish were used to steak and lobster bugs, because we were truly and soundly snubbed.

For four... and a half... hours. It was awesome! ...except when a dragonfly peed right on my knuckle, did you even know they could do that?!?!

We did countless loops around the lake until we had to pee, did a couple more loops and then stoked up our motivation and self-confidence by assuring each other that there must be fish that we should go try for on the little lake just before Edwin.  Part of our reasoning, we figured... was that with the trail down to it being relatively steep and probably a good hundred feet most people would be too lazy (not crazy enough) to get a boat down to go fishing on it... That and there were a couple of loons on it that morning, and loons don't lie!

We backed the truck up to the trail, took a wander down... assessing the soon to be situation with knowing squints accompanied by head nods, and started our attempt.  Now picture this... there we were with a decent sized two/three person aluminum fishin' boat, with one of us at each end... We lifted, carried, slid, dragged, and creatively wedged it sideways between a couple of trees... In fact it was much like the Grinch stealing Christmas trees and stuffing them one by one *up* the chimbley.

Incredibly no major injuries later, those two loons were promptly joined by a couple more loons, and two hours later we had been skunked for the second time that day. No fishies. Not even a nibble!

Y'know something though? I had a wonderful day refilling my solar cell banks, I just love being outside :)

Fishin' tales

Soooo, when we were out fishin' last weekend we heard this HUGE splash, looked at each other and Ed says "Wow that sounded like a 22 pounder, I'd like to get a hold of that one!"

He glanced back over a couple minutes later in the fading light, and goes "Waitaminute... is that a beaver? Whoa it is!! I take it back, *shaking head* I don't want to catch that one!!!"

Where the weird pattern matching comes from

BTW I forgot.  Dad has tripped over 5555 on the odometer he zeroed off at the beginning of your trip last fall.  Hard to believe the boat has travelled that many miles.  I told him it was a good thing I didn't know it while I was there or I'd have been meandering all over the bay and lagoon to get an interesting reading.

Love,

Mom

 

(Internet, just to put things in perspective... I remember driving up and down our little side road backwards. In the Volvo... so that Mom could see the "Septuple 7's!!!!" ... or the "Octuple 8's!!!!!" that she missed while Dad was driving.)

Poetic injustice...

My friend Mitts just texted me: "The dog just farted by me and then walked away."

I told her it was just "for all those times you thought you got away with blaming it on him"... He knows you did it, and he was not amused. Revenge, is that dog farts stink more.

Uninterrupted days since last injury

A major work safety catastrophe was averted today. Two primary Level 2 first aiders entered the warehouse with the seemingly safe job of storing computer boxes for warranty purposes...

Big First Aider: I pulled out the step ladder, and realized as I was about to climb up, that if I fell and the Little First Aider tried to catch me... not only would I injure the Little First Aider, but most likely myself as well!

Little First Aider: Can you imagine the amount of paperwork that would have been involved?!? That incident would have sparked safety meetings for the unforeseeable future, not to mention the associated procedural changes!

By having the Little First Aider climb the ladder (in heels even), they were able to completely eliminated the threat of incapacitating both of themselves at the same time. Way to keep the injury stats down, and remember that it's always the last step you have to be careful of!