Friday, January 23, 2009

Last Monday the Universe kicked the holy living shit out of me

Even that is an understatement.

During my 10 hours of vomiting and pooping through a pin hole, I contemplated the expression 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' and then resumed my begging of the Universe or any entity that was listening to just let me curl up in a little ball on the nice cold linoleum floor and die, because it would be *so* much easier that way. really I promise that you have yet again asserted your dominance and superiority over me I AM INSIGNIFICANT!

It was one of those moments when you are able to truly understand a statement such as 'you can continue vomiting long after you think you've finished'. I felt like I threw up and pooped out twice my body weight, it was one of those seriously body? we're puking again? where did you even find this watery liquid that we are throwing up? Are you sucking it straight out of my cells? Because let me tell you, when I was done I felt like something that would be served at a bar, right next to the pickled eggs, dehydrated Sam... "Just add water, for your fully functional life size female model"

According to a doctor in training that I know, she figures I probably lost 10-15% of my body's liquid composition. It felt like a lot more. I felt like I was only composed of 40% water instead of the required 70% water that makes up most people. Walking the two and a half door lengths to the washroom and back felt like the trek that some African children make every day for fresh water. I gained a new appreciation for the perspective the elderly speak from when they say someone has a lot of energy.

A highlight of this experience was that I relearned that my body has more reserves than I give it credit for, that I can keep moving long after my mind is physically exhausted, and that I can make it to the bathroom one. more. time. because I *have* to. and that a friend who is willing to care for your basic needs of replenishing liquid when you are too tired to do it yourself is worth their weight in gold.

My Grandpa fought during WWII, and he always said "If you don't have your health you don't have anything"... the significance of all else pales in comparison when you're busy puking your guts out.

Friday, January 09, 2009

Never know who you might meet at 7:00am

So yesterday morning I had just finished the first of hopefully a series of early morning swimming before work. I'm just getting back into it so I figured I'd take a couple minutes in the hot tub. Well this guys comes over and says Merry Christmas, being polite I responded in kind and added Happy New Year... well I might as well have said I bow down before the church, as he launched into an explanation of calendar types Julian, and Gregorian and that I'm one of Pope Gregory's minions because I use his calendar. Now seriously I try to stay away from religious discussions at the best of times let alone 7am, I mean if I could have I would have told him I was dead to his discussion. Soooo much for a relaxing hot tub. I didn't have time to ask how he converts between the calendars to make sure he meets people on the right date. Maybe he doesn't, and that's why he didn't have a hot tub partner.

I'm sure it's important

But don't come running in with your pissy pants on and act like your emergency is way more important than what I'm doing right now. I mean it actually might be, but as soon as you act like it is and it's poop doesn't stink, well that makes me want to ignore it just for spite. So there.