Friday, July 31, 2009

Minding my own business...

Yesterday I got a phone call at lunch "Your rear drivers tire is flat" ... Crap. Can I come for lunch with you guys?

Well after work I totally forgot, drove down the hill, made it to the gas station and remembered... changed my mostly flat tire, got all hot, schweaty, and gross and got it up to the tire place to patch it. After hanging out with the nice neighbourly employees (they really were quite nice) I decided that I needed to go for a swim, despite the thunder and lightning warnings.

Fear not, this tale does not end with lightning, nor is there even any in it. Other than the previous warning about it ;o)

I do a lap through the mounting waves from the storm blowing up the valley around the swim area, and decide that I shouldn't dawdle as my core body temperature has been lowered to an acceptable level.

So there I am in my car sitting at a yield in a goofy triangular shaped intersection minding my own business when a large black blob seeming lands on my windshield... I passed it off as a chunk of ash from the Terrace Mountain fire... until it flew IN MY WINDOW!!! It was a medium size, mostly black, BUMBLEBEE!!! that if he were walking instead of flying would be waddling. He couldn't quite hover in one place and kept flying towards me!

So there I am, in a bikini top, with my right foot jammed on the brake, blowing at a bumblebee. Phhooooshh, phhhoooosshh, PPHHHHOOOOOSSHHHH!!! Now despite my efforts at not panicking and not blowing him into myself... HE LANDED ON MY BOOB!!! Now did I mention that all I am currently wearing is a BIKINI TOP!!!

(The extensive use of exclamation marks and caps is just how much the situation was stressing me out)

So there I am with a BEE ON MY BOOB, wearing nothing but a bikini top. And all I can think to whisper is "doooodde not my booooob" and to my horror I watched as he climbed down under my boob where I COULDN'T SEE HIM ANYMORE!!! The suspense is killing me, and I pray that nobody is behind me waiting for me to use the intersection because I *know* that if I get stung in the boob, I'm immediately going to stall my car, jump out and run around in circles like a dog chasing it's tail screaming like a little girl... and then I'm going to stop and swear like a trucker with tourettes.

Yes I am that person your mother warned you about. No you shouldn't take me home to meet your parents.

Without further ado however, as I'm fervently looking for any sign of "The Bee" I notice that he has somehow made it over to my seat back behind me! I lean forward as far as I can without having my boobs blow my horn... and he casually flies out the window as though his flower inspection is over and he found nothing of note in my little sparkly blue Honda.

~insert minor amounts of hyperventilation here~

Calmly I decrease the amount of pressure I'm using on the brake, double check that the car is in gear, check my rear view mirrors, and ease out into the intersection and back to driving home. Although my adrenalin is still high enough that I could outrun a Kenyan, I concentrate on slowing my breathing back to a normal rate, and not driving like I'm on speed. Because I'm sure if I got pulled over my pupils would be so dilated that the cop wouldn't believe that I wasn't on anything.

This episode of my life brought to you courtesy of the letter "Bee" and the word "Boob".

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Save the whales?

It was an offhanded comment that was hilarious at the time...

"Do you think that there are dumb whales like there are dumb people? You know like all the other whales say 'Hey you're too close to the rocks' and the dumb whale's like 'Noooo I'm not look at me, oooh I'm swimming close to the rocks, ooohhh nooo...' and then 'Uhh guys?... Guys!? I'm stuck!!! HELP!' And all the other whales are like you dumbass we told you so!"

But then I was thinking about it, if there really are dumb whales like there are dumb people... we've mucked up more than just our gene pool. I mean how many whales have we 'saved'? I'm not talking about what Green Peace does vs the whale hunters... but really?!? Maybe we keep saving the dumb beached whale gene...

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Dear God I need to be institutionalized

I ran out of pages of Lolcats... at 512!!!!

We're way past interventions and 12 step recovery books, might as well go straight to the pretty white jackets and all the nice men in white coats *giggle giggle* I'll even have my OWN ROOM!

Oooh look at the pretty padded wallpaper! *smiles*




Ok, I'm back.

Slight of tongue

"I never was one of Timmy's Ho's" ~ Commenting on never having worked at Tim Horton's

Daily definition

"Starbs Effect" - Defecating 5 minutes after your Starbucks.

I'll have a large double double please

Like heroine through an addicts veins something in my Timmy's coffee races through my synapses making the morning appear better than it did upon initial inspection.

For this I am grateful. Probably not as grateful as the people around me, but still sufficiently appreciative.

Monday, July 27, 2009

I hate monday

Stab me in the eye with a salad fork, I hate mondays that much...

Do you think I could at least leave to go to the hospital if I had a salad fork stuck in my eye?


Friday, July 24, 2009

Keep that which is dear to you, close to your heart

There are few people who can make your soul smile simply by looking at you, and there are even fewer than can make it laugh and dance naked in the rain.

These are the people who should be kept in the sacred haven of your heart.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

"That's what makes you that guy"

So last night I'm driving home, thinking how nice it will be to crawl into bed and crash... when I come around the corner, and realize that there is a small brush fire on the side of the road!

I stop. Flick my hazards on jump out and decide that it is larger than my trusty flip flops can stomp out safely. Now at this point in time something in my brain kicks into overdrive. There is a bit of a strong wind, and the fire is growing, and blowing towards a large field... I don't have my cell phone (the one time in 200,000) and I definitely don't have time to drive to the nearest phone and report it and that's when I remember that I carry a fire extinguisher in the trunk.

(That's my flip flop at a whopping size 10 for comparison)

Bless the man who gave me a fire extinguisher with my first car, affectionately known as Bessie (the Multi) and now referred to as "The Multi didn't make it". The idea was that if my '87 Multi caught on fire I would have it. Yes Dad, that's you I'm talking about. I don't know how many times that thing got tossed from one side of the trunk to the other, and then made the transfer into the new Fit. But I've been lugging that thing around for darn near 6 years now... and I have to say, I'm recommending that everyone I know carry one, they're relatively small, light... and can be a lifesaver cause when those things come in handy they are TOTALLY worth their weight in gold!

Needless to say it was more than a little scary thinking about what *could* have happened if I hadn't driven by when I did. With the massive evacuations due to the fires in Kelowna it was a sharp reminder of how quickly something like that can get out of control.

Monday, July 20, 2009


Why does the clothes dryer ALWAYS take longer than the washing machine?!?!

I mean really, doesn't everybody do more than one load at a time... why can't they at least be synchronized so I can come in when they are BOTH done and flip it and get the next load in, rather than waaaaiiiit for the looooooonnnnnggeerrr one?

Honestly even if you made the washing machine take longer, it wouldn't bother me if they both finished at the SAME TIME.

Driving to work in the wee hours from 'Stoke

The mist rising off the streams and lakes during that twilight-before-sunrise-in-the-valley-hour, and the colour of a mountain top glowing as though freshly kissed by the early morning sun.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Plants vs Zombies is turning me into a Zombie!!!!

This game is so beyond addictive I think I will write the 12 step recovery book for it... if I can discover the steps, and not get distracted playing the game.

I spent I don't even know how many hours last night playing, I beat the boss and saw the music video and then I started in on the mini games and puzzles. I can't get over how much there is to do, and that although it is all similar there is enough variation to not just keep it interesting but absolutely riveting.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Roofing - sundeck style

Those sheets of plastic corrugated roofing are just a little bit wider than a comfortable reach for me, depending on the roof support I'm sitting on.

You shouldn't try to catch them in your teeth, I have a bump on my forehead to prove it.

If you're working on a wartime style house and nothing is square... get longer screws and just go through the roofing material *and* the structural support for them, so you don't have to worry about everything lining up, you can line up the plastic and tap everything else into place ;o)

Friday, July 10, 2009

Note to self

Self: Next time you go mountain biking by yourself you should take some noms... and maybe a gps. You do not have the directional intelligence of a homing pigeon as much as you would like to think that you do. You also do not have a photographic memory of the ride you did two years ago, that would help you choose the correct trails.

Technical biking socks rock especially when you get your feet wet by falling into a stream.

Two bottles of bear spray may be a bit of an overkill.

Get more technical biking socks.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Mind your P's and Q's

I'd just like to say that the person at the table who points out everyone's "bad manners" in the haughty "my shit doesn't stink" attitude...

Is being incredibly rude.

It makes me want to sit there and chew with my mouth open and both elbows on the table while I eat my chicken with my fingers... drink with food in my mouth and then belch, wipe my mouth on my sleeve and then cock a fart in their direction. Then lick the knife I didn't use just for good measure.

So there.


"Our hard-drives are like a digital record of our lives." AJ

Seriously though, think about it every game you've played... jokes, videos, emails, and movies things you hang on to just because.

It's all there, when you have lots of room you just hang onto it, and when you run out you just go buy more because that's easier than sorting through it all.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Wednesday AM

The brim of my hat feels heavy... why does it feel like a Monday? It really sucks my ass that it feels like Monday, the only bright side is that it isn't actually Monday so I'm a lot closer to the weekend than I would be if it were actually Monday.

Stopping rambling.

Monday, July 06, 2009

Friday, July 03, 2009

WTF Telus!!!

I just got a text message that was quite obviously from K w/a K... except it was from a 403 area code instead of 250... and was along the lines of going boating on this beautiful day that is predicted to hit 33! So I responded...

me: "Haha awesome!"

(403): "who is this"

me: "Sam"

(403): "I don't know you"

me: "Do you know K w/a K?"

(403): "Nope"

me: "Weird your number showed up instead me my friends sorry about that lol"

(403): "Its fine telus is messing up the texts"

Telus: "All your text are belong to us"

Thursday, July 02, 2009


I've filled my time up with a million other things to do... not cause I don't want to do stuff with you, but to distract me from not doing stuff with you...