Death by sheet

So the other night I was over at a friends' house after a long day of packing and moving. Okay I'll admit it was few hours after work. Nonetheless I was exhausted. We were just changing the bed I would be sleeping in, putting fresh sheets on when a little spider started running along the edge of the bed.

Now picture this, my friend grabs the sheet we'd just stripped off and dives across the bed to squish the spider. All I could think about was the Austin Powers movie with the assassin who throws a shoe as his signature, and the line "Really who throws a shoe anyways?". Well from the view of that little spider all it would have seen was this giant sheet. Not something its mother would have warned it about, shoes, newspapers... brooms maybe... but a sheet? So the new quote is "Really who uses a sheet to kill a spider?!?!" Apparently my friend does.

Easily unnoticed unless you are looking...

The first light pink wisps of blush just before the morning sunrise.

On my afternoon wander

Me to Sexretary: You have doughnuts!

Sexretary: ...no... but I have a muffin!

Me: oh. what kind is it?

Sexretary: I don't know, but you can look

Me: No thanks, I don't want your muffin.

I have learned...

That it is exceedingly difficult to brush your teeth with your nose plugged without drooling.

Last Monday the Universe kicked the holy living shit out of me

Even that is an understatement.

During my 10 hours of vomiting and pooping through a pin hole, I contemplated the expression 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' and then resumed my begging of the Universe or any entity that was listening to just let me curl up in a little ball on the nice cold linoleum floor and die, because it would be *so* much easier that way. really I promise that you have yet again asserted your dominance and superiority over me I AM INSIGNIFICANT!

It was one of those moments when you are able to truly understand a statement such as 'you can continue vomiting long after you think you've finished'. I felt like I threw up and pooped out twice my body weight, it was one of those seriously body? we're puking again? where did you even find this watery liquid that we are throwing up? Are you sucking it straight out of my cells? Because let me tell you, when I was done I felt like something that would be served at a bar, right next to the pickled eggs, dehydrated Sam... "Just add water, for your fully functional life size female model"

According to a doctor in training that I know, she figures I probably lost 10-15% of my body's liquid composition. It felt like a lot more. I felt like I was only composed of 40% water instead of the required 70% water that makes up most people. Walking the two and a half door lengths to the washroom and back felt like the trek that some African children make every day for fresh water. I gained a new appreciation for the perspective the elderly speak from when they say someone has a lot of energy.

A highlight of this experience was that I relearned that my body has more reserves than I give it credit for, that I can keep moving long after my mind is physically exhausted, and that I can make it to the bathroom one. more. time. because I *have* to. and that a friend who is willing to care for your basic needs of replenishing liquid when you are too tired to do it yourself is worth their weight in gold.

My Grandpa fought during WWII, and he always said "If you don't have your health you don't have anything"... the significance of all else pales in comparison when you're busy puking your guts out.

Never know who you might meet at 7:00am

So yesterday morning I had just finished the first of hopefully a series of early morning swimming before work. I'm just getting back into it so I figured I'd take a couple minutes in the hot tub. Well this guys comes over and says Merry Christmas, being polite I responded in kind and added Happy New Year... well I might as well have said I bow down before the church, as he launched into an explanation of calendar types Julian, and Gregorian and that I'm one of Pope Gregory's minions because I use his calendar. Now seriously I try to stay away from religious discussions at the best of times let alone 7am, I mean if I could have I would have told him I was dead to his discussion. Soooo much for a relaxing hot tub. I didn't have time to ask how he converts between the calendars to make sure he meets people on the right date. Maybe he doesn't, and that's why he didn't have a hot tub partner.

I'm sure it's important

But don't come running in with your pissy pants on and act like your emergency is way more important than what I'm doing right now. I mean it actually might be, but as soon as you act like it is and it's poop doesn't stink, well that makes me want to ignore it just for spite. So there.

How to Annoy Me

Ok I get that I was *only* doing 60 km/hr in a 50 km/hr zone in semi-freezing conditions with all-season tires on my car... but up here in Canada they are not suitable for almost-winter driving conditions. In any case, if I'm doing 60 and you are riding my ass... YOU ARE STILL ONLY DOING 60! Don't ask me, go talk to a physics professor or something, but to go faster you have to actually pass me. Just putting it out there.

Yes the 'How to Annoy Me' label is from dooce.com I love it. It perfectly captures how I feel. Heather B. Armstrong, if this annoys you please contact me I'm sure we can work something out. Something being I can change it. Seriously.

Dedication

Okay, I'll be honest anyone who has the time and patience to tell the world about everything that happend to them on a given day is a lot more dedicated than I am... or they have a whole lot of time on their hands... hmmm... I'm going to go with dedicated, because really if they had a whole lot of time on their hands they wouldn't have so many things to write about. That's really all for now. Osprey out.

Turning your back on the world

So I was driving over to a friend's house this weekend and it occurred to me that I had no right to be upset with my friends over our inability to hang out together despite the fact that we lived within a stone's throw of each other. It was the profound thought that all the things I blamed them for as reasons that we couldn't hang out were things that I was also guilty of. It shone new light on the quote "When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world." It started to make more sense, the things we hate most about our environment and others are things that we do not like within ourselves. So in this way by observing and taking note of things that bother me rather than ignoring them I can possibly change things within myself. I would like to apologize to anyone who's name I have taken in vain when actually there was no crime committed against me, it was something within me all along. It also occurred to me that I should apologize, if it initally upset me the things I thought my friends were doing/not doing is it not possible that they feel the same about me? On that note, if you have me or someone else apologize for something unexpected, know that maybe they are improving themselves in some small way.

Mondays

Have I mentioned that I hate mondays? It seems to me that no matter how much you sleep on the weekend you're still tired by the time monday morning rolls around. Okay I slept for 13 hours last night and I still didn't want to get up, doesn't that tell you something?

My computer has crashed at least 4 times with power surges or something, there should be a limit for this happening at work where you get sent home. I can't work under these conditions. Seriously.

So this weekend I helped a friend put up Christmas lights, now this was a serious production. I mean at our house we kinda drape two or 3 strings around the stairs and turn 'em on... Well let me tell you, it involved many many more strings of lights, a staple gun, and multiple extension cords... and the lights all have to be the same height (none on top of the fence posts), none of the lights can be blocked by anything to the road OR to the house, you can't unscrew any so they just don't show up... they have to be really for real done properly ;o) but let me tell you they looked amazing! I may have to get into this decorating properly thing... on second thought it is a lot of work, maybe I'll just help friends do it.

Living forever

I recently sent an email to a friend of mine with various quotes and inspirational sayings that I've collected over the years. Let me tell you I have a lot of them, I mean until I painstakinly typed them all in and then looked at the length of the sent email I had no idea... I mean holy crap! The things I do for my friends. That little email composition window is so decieving. On a random note, we know that various things are hereditary like eye colour and that kind of thing but I would be willing to bet that there are a lot more things than we know about. For instance, I just found out that my great-grandfather collected quotes too. Weird.

On supporting a good cause

So this weekend was one of much drinking, not because I'm a slow learner, or because I enjoy sleeping through the first and most productive part of the day, but because it was for a good cause. Friday night we attended ladies night, the gist of it is a fundraiser for the figure skating club. The main idea is you get a group of all women, add copious amounts of alcohol and then have them bid on various items... the more you drink, the more you spend, and there are no husbands to inhibit our deepest most inner desire to spend. Besides it's for a good cause.

As of this weekend, sledder/slutter season has officially started. All the married/taken men are back looking to be unfaithful with some unsuspecting hot chicks. Although it does help fill up the bar, and it makes drinks a lot cheaper for all the girls... it has it's downsides.

Grey cup was also great, BC won w00t w00t!1! I celebrated it at the local legion, I highly recommend it sometime... it may be full of grey-haired old bastards but they are hilarious! Especially when they think that they are being tricky and you don't get what they are implying, hehe *s*. We also managed to win the 50/50 bottle of rum, like we needed any more alcohol, I'm sure that if I'd been cut I would have bled beer. See the problem with drinking with the boys at the legion is that you don't buy pints, you buy pitchers and everyone keeps topping everyone up... sooooo I only had one glass last night, it was just a never ending glass. Of course the raffle and the drinks etc etc etc all help to support the local legion.

So this weekend, I supported a good cause, okay a couple of good causes. Does that count as volunteering? And if not what have you supported lately?

Halloween Shenanagins

Hokay so.

Truth: I love getting dressed up for Halloween, it's one of my favorite holidays
Confession: I went trick or treating this year with a little kid as cover, okay I only started and finished with the little guy... and I just turned 24

Okay but seriously, what's up with nobody going trick or treating... I mean sure there are some parents who don't want to drive their kid(s) around but come on, this only happens once a year people. And don't even get me started on people who don't want to walk their kids so they drive, I mean as if today's kids aren't chubby enough on average as it is, the walk will do them some good especially if they are going to be consuming all their candy. And really what's with the "I'll buy you a bag of candy if we don't have to go out" cop out... what's that supposed to teach kids, you don't work for it and I'll give you whatever you want? And we wonder why kids have motivation or work ethic, we're rewarding them for being lazy.

And what's up with all the prefab costumes, those are supposed to be a last resort, like when the dog pukes all over your costume from stealing halloween candy right before you go out last resorts.

Oh yeah another thing, I don't think there is any such thing as too old to go trick or treating. If you dress up, and are walking around working for it I think you earned the damn candy.

I suppose I'm a little biased though.

On Blogging

So this is a new thing for me, everybody seems to be pretty excited about blogging I think they're actually more excited about publishing themselves... shouting their ideas out to the world whether anyone is listening or not.

Maybe that's what this is all about, the need to be heard.

Maybe not.