Monday, May 16, 2011

Answer me this

I hate answering machines, in a dysfunctional loathing Grinch stealing Christmas kind of way. As a kid they used to scare me. I can stand here and admit, that it is completely irrational and not based on anything that ever happened to me, or anyone else I know... but still I hate talking to them.

When I was little it was a paralytic fear, I would swallow my tongue and have to hang up before I could breath again. Now I'm still nervous, but people even call me back sometimes!

First of all, they're the reason we're all in a rush to get to the phone... remember back in the day, like waaaay back when you used to let the phone ring like ten times before giving up? Because the person on the other end had to be able to get from anywhere in the house, or maybe even outside to where the phone was *attached* to the wall? Now we've got what, four rings?

If it rings more than four times now you get confused... should I hang up? Maybe if I let it ring a couple more times they'll answer, or the answering machine will pick up and I'll know what to do.

They always start with the automated instructions, as if we don't all know how to use one by now... and why they have so many options now? I mean really why would I need to press a button to modify my message... rather than hang up and try again... Besides, do you have any idea how long we'll be here if I keep trying until it sounds normal?!?!

It doesn't seem to matter how long the message is, I'm never ready when it's done and that damn beep sounds.


It might as well be a brain de-neuralizer, cause whatever I called you about to begin with... well, it's gone now.

So if I've ever left you a message that you couldn't understand, let me explain. That first pause... the one that makes you think you've been butt-dialed, is me thinking... "Shoot it's not too late where they are is it?!? *phew* nope good, that's not why they didn't answer the phone... should I leave a message? I can't remember if they have call display, nuts I might as well leave a message now, then at least they'll know I've been thinking about them... crap what was I even calling about?"

What I actually say in an over-enthusiastic I'm just sooo happy to be talking to you tonight I'm bubbling voice is: "Hi, it's Sam andIwasjustcallingtoseewhatyou'reupto... so, uh I'lltryyouaginsoon! Bye."